Wednesday 24 February 2016
Today I'm taking my kids to the swimming pool there names were susan and debra. When we got there debra was practicing here dance moves I said come on get in the pool so she did. Then this mysterious man walk in and threw a grenade looking thing into the pool it was shooting out green gas. I told susan and debra quickly get out debra yelled I'm a dancer not a swimmer help so I had to jump in get and get her and then we quickly got out of there.
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It's very creative, though you need a lot of punctuation, and also it's a bit hard to read, you have words thrown in there that don't really need to be in there. In all good job!
ReplyDeleteYou need capitals at the beginning of names. It was pretty exiting to read lots of action going on.
ReplyDeleteBe sure to use the feedback given to you by your peers. You are missing many capitals. Also if you read your story out loud to a peer or an adult you will pick up on some of your sentences that need revising. Check for run-on sentences. You have a good idea for a story and with some effort it will turn into a great pice of writing.
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