My Birthday
Walking to the table to blow out my candles so I had to dress nice I was wearing my best clothes. I wore my turtle neck shirt , yellow pants, and my light up sketchers. I sat down blowing as the flame flickered, then went out. I wished for a bird. Then everyone cheered and we cut the cake. Eating my cake, a bird appeared on the table and I grabbed it by the neck and ate it. "Yummy!" I said.
I like the humour of your story! Your last sentence though has to be a new line.(Every time someone speaks) I also think you could add a bit more descriptive language into your story. Over all though, good story.
ReplyDeleteYou have a very creative story. Remember on your second line you need a comma between all the clothes you are discribing. Try reading your story out loud to add commas and fix any other thing.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all the prompt is wrong. You said "as the light flickered, then went out."
ReplyDeleteThe real prompt is "as the flame flickered and then went out." so you should change that. Though your story is very entertaining to read, defiantly a plot twist!
though some spelling is wrong, and you need some periods and commas.
It wore not whore and I would say wore my turtle neck over my yellow shirt but good story
ReplyDeleteYou forgot the prompt!!!!!! Do you even know what a whore is????? Remember that brand names are capitalized, and also, you need to start a new line when someone speaks. Your story is a bit confusing, so try reading it out loud. If you have a pause when you read it out loud, that's where you put a comma.
ReplyDeleteGood start but you need to use some commas and periods in your story to make it better. You said as the light flickered, then went out it is suppose to be as the light flickered and then went out. Also you might want to add some descriptive language in your story.
ReplyDeleteFunny story though you should put some commas when your telling what the character was wearing.
ReplyDeleteyour story is funny but the last sentence where you said yummy you need to put it one line down. Try to use better/ bigger word to make your story better. and try to make it more flowy at the start.
ReplyDelete