Wednesday 11 May 2016
100 word challenge week 17 by Tyrone
In the hospital having my last moments with my family, the clock strikes twelve and I took my last breathe every thing went black. A couple minutes later I woke up seeing a glowing staircase, so I walk up I was in heaven. I got to see lots of famous people like Michael Jackson, Elvis and prince. After I sat at a table and ate ulimted apple pie with bill nye and he asked me if I wanted to be in his science film so I said yes.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
For all the names like Prince, Bill Nye. Try and make your story flow instead of saying so or then. That would make the story better and easier to read.
ReplyDeleteYou need a of between couple and minutes. And I was really in the 3rd sentence. So I walk up I was in heaven maybe you can clean that up a bit. And is prince a name? And what is ulimited?
ReplyDeleteIt's very entertaining to read. Though It does not really make sense near the end. Also I think you need some commas and periods in some places. Also I think you need some more descriptive language, because some of your words are very plain. Great story though!
ReplyDeleteI agree with cinderella try to make your story flow more and I think its a great story. maybe add something at the end and say how you did the film.
ReplyDelete